A World Without Colour
by Dragonrider0295
Summary: The mind can be strong and fragile all at once. The ability to stay sane is often determined by individual fortitude. But when that's not enough? When one finally gives in and breaks? What then? Well then you just go crazy. Self harm, major character death, and a little bit of blood. Don't like don't read. DenNor if you squint. Oneshot


**Dragon does not own Hetalia and promised to up date her other fanfictions soon.**

 **Norway**

They worry for me. They all fear that my grip on my sanity if slipping, that my reality will soon fall permanently into madness. I don't know if they are right or not, and I can't promise it has not already happened.

I just can't stop _thinking_ about him. I can't get him out of my mind. Every sign I overlooked, every call I ignored, every time I disregarded him, every good moment I took for granted, they all play over and over in my mind. It is torment because I can count a million ways I could have saved him.

 _"Hey Norge, do you love me?" he had said._

"Yes. I do." I answer to no one in the present.

 _I scoffed back then, my walls flew up, "I don't know anyone who could love you. You make it too difficult."_

 _I missed the hurt in his eyes and the way he flinched. Both lasted for only mere seconds before he pulled his mask over them._

 _"Nooooor! That was mean!" he whined._

 _I rolled my eyes._

I lied. I do love you. We all do.

 _We were all leaving the meeting hall. Most of the others had already gone. I was about to leave but I overheard a conversation between Iceland and Denmark in the hall. I decided to eavesdrop out of curiosity. Denmark was trying to convince the Icelander to spend the evening with him. Predictably, my shy little brother refused._

 _"Pleeeaase Icy!" Denmark asked hopefully._

 _"Drop dead Denmark. I don't want to spend an entire evening wishing to pull my own hair out!" Iceland hissed before walking away and exiting the building. Denmark kept up his persona until Iceland was gone, but when he thought he was alone he dropped it._

 _Denmark's smile fell, his eyes became misty, and his shoulders slumped as if he was carrying an unbearable weight on them, "Why don't they like me anymore?" he whispered to himself softly._

 _I wanted to come out and say something, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say and his sudden sadness frightened me. I had never known the Dane to be anything but happy; I couldn't deal with it. I was selfish._

 _I silently left a quietly weeping Dane behind and left the building though the back door to avoid him._

"I'm sorry I left you. You needed me I know you did." I say to the air. My own tears now soak my cheeks.

 _It was very strange. I had gone into Denmark's bathroom to fix my cross pin, but the mirror was gone. So were the ones from the other places in the house. I knew that he had them when I last visited. It was a long time ago, but if he had been renovating, why would only the mirrors be gone?_

 _"Oi, Anko?" I said intending to ask him._

 _He looked up from the dishes he was washing, "Ja norgie?" he chirped._

 _"What happened to all your mirrors?" I asked dryly._

 _"Um… they broke." He answered._

 _I raised a skeptical eyebrow, "You expect me to believe that you somehow broke every mirror in your house on accident? Not even you can be that stupid."_

 _I missed the way he drooped when I insulted him. He turned back to the dishes and started halfheartedly washing a plate before he answered, "It wasn't an accident."_

 _"You broke them on purpose? That is demented, why would you do that." I asked._

 _He shrugged, "I just didn't want to look at myself anymore."_

 _I had nothing to say to that. He sounded so defeated. I just changed the subject and tried to forget that it had happened at all._

"No Den. You're beautiful. You're perfect. You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't.." I say through tears as I fall to my knees.

 _We sat in my office. I was annoyed as I normally was around him. But more so that time. He had absolutely insisted on following me home even though I told him I had to work. And now he was distracting me from getting that work done._

 _Just not like he usually did._

 _He was quiet. He sat in a chair against the wall, his face was set in a slight frown and his legs swung back and forth. He stared at the floor and didn't lift his head._

 _It stayed that way for an hour, him silent in the corner and me trying to concentrate but ready to pull my hair out at my frustrating inability to do so. Finally, he spoke up._

 _"Hey Nor?" He asked softly._

 _"Ja?" I answered conversing concern with irritation._

 _"Am I... Am I **wrong**?" He asked his eyes becoming misty. He still wouldn't look up from_ the _floor._

 _I sighed in false annoyance and looked up from my papers, "Wrong about what?"_

 _I knew what he had meant but I pretended I didn't._

 _"No. I mean... There must be something wrong with me. No one ever wants to be around me. I just... I wanna be... Wanted. I can fix it, I just need to know what's wrong about me!" He said. I could tell how desperate he was. How much suffering and self loathing he felt._

 _And I got scared. I was terrified of how much he confided in me. I didn't know how to deal with it so I ran away._

 _"Denmark, you need to leave. I need to finish my work and you are distracting me." I said more coldly than I had meant to._

 _Tears fell unchecked from his eyes. He smiled though. A heart broken resigned type of smile._

 _"Okej." He whispered. He grab what little he had brought and left._

 _I watched him go. I never did finish that paper work._

"Come back you idiot! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" I scream grabbing onto my own hair and pulling.

 _It was cold that day. Denmark and I were just out for a walk. But he was very soft spoken. Subdued. He had been like this for a month or so, but if anyone else noticed, they didn't say anything and I was too afraid to._

 _He was paler, thinner, and a scarf was added to his normal outfit. The wind whipped around us blowing flurries around. I made sure to stamp every detail of that day in my mind, because it was the last time I saw him with breath in his lungs._

 _"Hey Nor?" He said._

 _I feigned annoyance and looked at him to show I was listening._

 _"Would you mind coming over to my house? Or I can go to yours.. I just don't want to be alone today is all and we haven't spent much time together lately.." he asked. It was a simple request. I tended to avoid him by that point and he was sinking into his loneliness even faster._

 _But of course, I spoke coldly, "You already talked me into taking a stupid walk with you why would I want to spend anymore time with you?"_

 _He looked devastated though he tried to cover it up, "Please Nor? I don't have anyone else.."_

 _"You don't have me either." I snipped._

 _He smiled slightly, but it looked wrong, "Aw Nor... You're so mean." He said half-heartedly._

 _"Whatever. Go home Denmark. Leave me alone." I said_

 _"Okay." He mumbled before turning around and leaving._

I shake my head flinging tears from my eyes, "No don't go.."

 _I was so worried. I hadn't heard from Denmark for days. Three to be exact. Three days, and not a single call. That wouldn't necessarily be so scary if it was anyone else but the Dane. Denmark called me everyday. If he missed one it was cause for worry. But_ three _?_

 _Sweden came with me, also concerned about the Dane's strange behavior. I knocked door and got no response. After a few more tries at knocking I gave that up and just opened the door._

 _"Denmark?" I call. No answer. I decided to search the house for him._

 _Sweden stayed close to me probably because he too was a bit unnerved by the atmosphere of the normally chipper Dane's home. We did a sweep of the home, but we did not find him anywhere._

 _Finally, there was only one more room to search. Denmark's bedroom. We probably should have started there, but something kept us from doing so. With a heavy heart and a Swede on my tail, I pushed the door open. I screamed when I saw him._

 _He was lying on the floor beside his bed. In one hand was a framed picture of all the Nordics together. Probably a Christmas picture. In the other was a 45 caliber hand gun. His blood splattered the wall and floor beside him and he was laying in a pool of it with a hole through his temple. A neatly written note laid on his night stand as a cold confirmation that it had been suicide._

 _I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I could only stand and stare at those dull, lifeless sky blue eyes that once held the soul of the man I loved._

 _I barely registered Sweden moving forward and dropping to his knees beside the Dane. I was more receptive when the Swede leaded forward with shaking hands and lifted Denmark's bloody body into his arms as if it was a fragile child. I sunk to the floor then slumped over. My mind couldn't comprehend this. It was too much. I blacked out._

"You just wanted the pain to stop right? We neglected you, we tormented you, but still you went and pulled something so stupid because of us. You're an idiot. But I would give anything, anything at all... For just one more chance. I would do it right. Tell you I love you, and that you're not alone. Spend more time with you. Help you smile and mean it. I can't though. It's too late. All is can do is talk to this cold damned stone." I say as I run my hand over the granite grave marker with the name 'Matthias Køhler' neatly carved into it.

 _I woke later, but I don't know how long I was out. I know that by the time I woke up, I was at Sweden's and I heard hushed voices talking. I sat up._

 _"Norway! You're awake." Finland said from beside me. Sweden was there too but he looked haunted. He didn't greet me._

 _"Where is Denmark?" I asked._

 _Sweden looked away from me._

 _"Norway, Denmark... He is dead. You know that. You found him." Finland said. slowly._

 _I did know. But I just wasn't ready to accept that._

I hear Iceland walk up behind me as I stare longingly at the stone. He was waiting for me in the car and I wonder why he interrupted me. He normally doesn't.

"It is snowing." The Icelander says softly.

I nod.

"You aren't even wearing a coat. You'll freeze." He says.

I nod again. I still don't get the point.

"Damn it Lukas! He wouldn't want you to freeze to death out here hugging that gods forsaken stone!" Iceland yells.

"Why should he care? He is dead." I say running a finger over the name on the stone.

"Just come on. Please? For me? I miss him too but we can't.. I mean you can't just give up." He begs.

"I want to come back when the snow stops." I say giving in.

"Fine just get out of the cold." He replies.

I stand up and pat the snow off my clothes before lethargically getting into the car. I let Iceland drive us home and watch the shapes of the world as we pass it by. A world without colour, because a happy smiling Dane has been snatched out of it.

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe we are all just a little bit mad. But it doesn't matter, even if I acknowledge it, I can't stop sinking deeper into it. I may as well have been holding that gun myself.

 _To whom it may concern,_

 _That is a terrible way to start a letter. Especially one like this. But the likely hood that someone I personally know will find this is slim. You are probably someone sent by my boss to find me. But I don't know who will find my body or this letter so.. oh well. It is probably quite a mess by now too. Sorry about that. I never could do anything right. There is no need to investigate my death. I did it myself. I just can't do this anymore. At first I forced through the loneliness and pain out of hope. Hope that maybe my family would one day forgive me. But that was wishful thinking on my part. Once I figure out that was not ever happening, that I was too fucked up to ever be loved, I held on for my people. But I can't take another moment of being alone. So alone. I am a failure. I couldn't even stick it out for the people who count on me. I'm a terrible, awful, selfish person. Anything else you can think about me, I probably am that too. And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I wish I could have been someone better. Someone with the guts to stick it out, someone that was good enough to be loved. As you can see, I'm not._

 _If you would though, reader, do me one favor. I don't deserve it I know but it's a trifle thing really. Just tell my boss to tell my family that no matter what, I always loved them. And that I am sorry for being such a disappointment. My boss will know who to tell don't worry._

 _Goodbye._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mathias Køhler_

Emil shakes my shoulder and I snap out of my trance. He is talking but I am not listening. If I don't get out of here right now, he will see me crying again. I don't want that, so I bolt out of the car and to my room. I lock myself in.

No matter how much Emil begs to be let in, I don't open it till hours later.

Maybe I have lost my sanity. Maybe. If I have then Sweden has too. He hasn't spoken a word since we found Denmark. No matter how hard Finland tries Sweden is just as unreachable as me. Maybe we have both gone crazy. But then again, aren't most murderers mentally disturbed?


End file.
